Miss you appa..

its like being in a dark forest and Sun has set with no light around.. we knew it would happen but its painful nevertheless.

realize now that Dad was the Axle.. nothing seem to move around now.. we are stuck in a quagmire.. its both, we cannot move and do not want to move, fearing we might leave him behind.. our eyes still search him inside the house.. every time we lock the door while leaving the house for an errand, it still feels like somebody is left behind..

Life looks little distant in a suspended animation.. wonder will there be moments of satiating happiness anymore.. would our happiness ever be complete.. he had a very low threshold of expectation to keep him happy, extolling even a simplest achievement.. any achievement would always be incomplete henceforth..

He was there for us at every moment.. every time our steps wavered, he was there to steady our course...

Earliest memory i have of him was the day he left me at kindergarten and came back to pick me up later in the day.. i wish i could have just that one moment re-lived.. Our minds are filled with his images at various stages in our life, the one image i wish to forget is that of his cadaver..

cant we circle back in time to re-live the past.. i feel we missed telling him so many things in past, we missed asking him so many things in past..

There are so many thing i wanted to do, ask all his childhood stories, his mischiefs and achievements.. write it down.. write down every experience he had, good-bad, pleasant-painful, elating-embarrassing.. write down missing moments from past years when i was not around him... write down every experience we had together with his perspective.. record his voice speaking everything , common words, uncommon words, his usual repertoire.. record his picture in all his favorite clothes... record every cherishing experience we had together..
it feels like our whole past with him was just a rehearsal.. we wish we had one more chance..

he is gone.. we did not lose a father, we lost a part of our self, making us incomplete.. aeons of time and galaxies of worlds cannot replace this loss.. we still wonder how life would be henceforth.. it still feels like a prisoner with weights on his leg dragging on.. hope we find peace that unlocks this weight someday..

Dad we miss you..